What is aftercare?

Aftercare is what partners do to look after each other after sex or an intense kink scene: water, a blanket, staying close, talking it over. It helps people come back down gently, both physically and emotionally. It’s most associated with BDSM, but anyone can have it.

The word also has other meanings, such as medical care after surgery or support after addiction treatment. This page is about the sexual and kink sense.

Why it matters

Intense scenes can leave you physically worn out and emotionally open. When the rush fades, some people feel floaty and then flat, tired, weepy or a little lost. A few quiet minutes of care helps with that. It also reassures everyone that what just happened was a game, that they’re still the same two people, and that they’re still fine with each other.

Aftercare examples

• Physical comfort. Water, a snack, a blanket, a warm shower, or a hand on the back.
• Closeness. Cuddling or lying together. Or, for some people, a bit of space, with the other person still in the room.
• Words. Telling each other what you liked. “You were great” can go a long way. See praise kink.
• Practical care. Untying rope, putting cream on any marks, and checking for any soreness.
• Going back to normal. A dumb TV show or a shared pizza, anything that says the evening’s over and you’re back to being yourselves.
• The next day. A text to ask how they’re feeling, since some of the feelings only arrive later.

It’s for both partners

People often assume aftercare is only for the submissive partner. Dominants need it too. Doing the leading can be demanding, and some dominants feel guilty or low afterward and need to hear that it was wanted. Everyone needs something different, so ask. A good way to find out is to say beforehand, “What do you usually need after this?”

What is sub drop?

Sub drop is a low mood that can follow an intense scene, sometimes right away, and often a day or two later. It can feel like tiredness, sadness, irritability or feeling far away. People often explain it as a crash after a rush of adrenaline and endorphins, though nobody’s measured it very precisely. Top drop or dom drop is the same thing for the partner who led.

It’s usually short and it usually passes. Rest, food, water and company help, and so does telling your partner what’s going on. If it’s lasting or feels heavy, or if you feel worse after a scene every time, it’s worth stopping to talk about, and a kink-aware therapist can help.

How to talk about it

• Before: “What do you usually want afterward?” Plenty of people don’t know until they’ve tried a few things.
• During: Keep what you need nearby, like water and a blanket, so nobody has to go and look for it.
• After: Ask what was good. Save anything that needs a long discussion for later, once you’re both rested.

Aftercare in stories

Readers love aftercare scenes, and it’s easy to see why: it’s where you find out what the two people actually mean to each other. A dominant who’s gone quiet and awkward holding out a glass of water can be more affecting than anything that came before. It’s a good thing to ask for on metime, where you can say and I want to see what they say to each other afterward, and steer from there. See BDSM stories for more.

Questions