What does BDSM mean?

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It’s an umbrella term for consensual power play and intense sensation between adults. What separates it from abuse is agreement: everyone involved has chosen it, knows the limits, and can stop it.

People who do BDSM vary a lot. Some use the word for a blindfold on an anniversary, others for a whole way of running a relationship. Here’s what the letters mean, how people do it safely, and how to talk about it.

What the letters stand for

The letters overlap, which is part of why the word has six meanings packed into four letters.

Many people are only interested in one of these. You can love rope and have no interest in power play, or love power play and never touch a rope.

BDSM vs abuse

The difference is agreement, and it has to be real. In BDSM, people agree ahead of time on what’s in and what’s out. The person giving up control can stop it at any time, and that’s respected without argument. Afterward they look after each other. Abuse has none of that: one person decides for the other, and “stop” doesn’t work.

You’ll see a few shorthand phrases for this:

• SSC means safe, sane and consensual.
• RACK means risk-aware consensual kink: nothing is perfectly safe, so know the risks and agree anyway.
• Consent can be taken back. Agreeing to something an hour ago doesn’t bind anyone now.

What power exchange means

Power exchange is the core idea of D/s: one person hands over some decisions to another, because both of them enjoy it. It can last for one evening, or become part of a long relationship, with agreed rules that go on outside the bedroom. It’s called an exchange because something comes back: trust, attention and care.

How it works in practice

• Talking first. Partners talk about what they want, what they don’t, and what they’re curious about. Some use a yes, no, maybe list. See the kink list.
• Limits. Hard limits are never. Soft limits are maybe, and carefully.
• A safe word. A word that stops everything, often “red”, with “yellow” for slowing down. It matters most in scenes where “no” is part of the talk.
• A scene. A session with a start and an end.
• Aftercare. Water, a blanket, a conversation, and a check-in the next day. See aftercare.

What people actually do

Much less than the photographs suggest, usually. Common things under the BDSM umbrella:

• Giving and following orders. Often the whole of it: being told where to sit, when to speak, or what happens next.
• Rules and rituals. Small routines that keep a dynamic going between scenes, like a message at lunch or asking first.
• Restraint. Anything from a scarf to Japanese rope work. See shibari.
• Waiting. Being kept wanting, and being told when it’s over. See tease and denial.
• Sensation. Blindfolds, temperature, or spanking and similar, for those who want it. How intense it gets is agreed in advance.
• Words. Encouragement, like praise kink, or being teased, by agreement.

How people start

1. Say you’re curious, outside the bedroom, in the most ordinary tone you can manage. A walk or a long drive helps.
2. Read or talk about one thing. A story you liked is a good way in: “I liked this part.”
3. Try something small, with no equipment, like one person making all the decisions for an evening.
4. Talk afterward. What worked, what felt silly, and what you’d change. Feeling silly the first time is normal.
5. Find people who know more if you want to go further. Many cities have casual meet-ups, known as munches, in ordinary restaurants.

Common roles

• Dom or domme: the partner who leads.
• Sub: the partner who follows.
• Top and bottom: who’s doing and who’s receiving in a particular scene, without implying a dynamic beyond that.
• Switch: someone who enjoys either side.
• Soft dom: a dominant who leads with care and encouragement.
• Femdom: dominance by a woman.

BDSM in stories

A lot of people prefer BDSM in fiction, where nobody has to learn knots. The best stories make the trust the point: two people who know what they’ve agreed to, and enjoy it. See BDSM stories and bondage stories for what that can look like. On metime, you can ask for it in your own words, and steer at the end of every chapter. Every character is an adult, and a refusal holds.

A story is no guide to real life. If you’re thinking of trying something physical, learn from people who teach it, and go slowly.

Questions