Dom and sub: what they mean

Dom and sub are short for dominant and submissive: two partners who agree that one will lead and the other will follow, in the bedroom or more widely. People shorten the dynamic to D/s. In this sense, submissive doesn’t mean weak or passive. It describes someone who chooses to hand over control, and who can take it back.

The everyday meaning of “submissive” is someone who gives in to others. In a D/s relationship it’s a role that someone wants and has agreed to, and it usually sits alongside an ordinary adult life.

What each role means

• Dominant (dom, or domme for a woman). The partner who leads: sets the pace, gives instructions and takes responsibility for how things go. A good one pays very close attention.
• Submissive (sub). The partner who follows, by choice: taking instructions and giving up decisions. Subs often say it’s what lets them finally relax.
• Switch. Someone who enjoys either role, depending on the mood or the partner.
• Top and bottom. Who’s doing what in a particular scene. You can top without being a dominant, and you can bottom without being a submissive.

What a D/s relationship looks like

It covers a wide range, and couples decide for themselves how much of life it touches:

• Only in the bedroom. The most common form. It starts and stops with a look, a word or a closed door.
• A few rules through the week. A message at lunch, what to wear on Friday, or a small nightly ritual. These keep the dynamic alive between scenes.
• Most of daily life. Some couples choose this, sometimes called 24/7. It’s less common than the internet makes it seem, and it takes a lot of talking.

Either partner can be any gender. A woman who leads is femdom, and a dominant who leads with warmth is a soft dom.

How it’s kept fair

• The sub has the power to stop it. That’s the part most people miss. A dominant only has the authority they’re given, and it can be withdrawn. No means no, and a safe word stops things at once.
• Limits are agreed on. Hard limits are things that won’t happen. Soft limits are things to approach carefully, if at all.
• Both get something. A dominant who ignores what a sub needs isn’t doing it right. It’s a two-way arrangement, and a kind of care.
• Care afterward. See aftercare. Dominants can need it too.

Controlling someone who hasn’t agreed isn’t D/s. If you can’t say no to your partner, or you’re afraid to, that’s worth taking seriously, and it’s worth talking to someone outside the relationship.

Subspace, domspace and sub drop

Subspace is the floaty, calm, far-away feeling some submissives get during an intense scene. Domspace is the dominant’s version: very focused, in the zone. Sub drop is the low mood that can follow a day or two later, and aftercare helps with it.

Dom and sub in stories

Stories love this dynamic, because it’s about trust and it’s easy to get wrong. The good ones make both people interesting, and show why each of them wants this. See BDSM stories and femdom stories for what that looks like. On metime you can ask for it in your own words, and decide what happens at the end of every chapter. Every character is an adult, and a refusal holds.

Questions