What is femdom?

Femdom, short for female dominance, is when a woman takes the dominant role in a sexual or romantic dynamic and her partner wants her to. She gives the instructions, sets the rules and decides how things go. It can be strict or very gentle, and it only counts when everyone’s agreed to it.

The word gets used for a lot of things, from a one-off game on a Saturday to a whole way of running a marriage. Here’s what it usually means, what the different styles look like, and why people are drawn to it.

What it looks like

• Instructions. She says what happens next: sit there, wait, tell me what you want. A lot of femdom is just a voice.
• Rules. Small rules that last all week, like asking first or sending a message at lunch. Keeping them is part of the fun.
• Tease and denial. She decides when the wait is over. See tease and denial stories.
• Service. Doing things for her, from making dinner to running a bath, because he likes being useful to her.
• Praise, or the opposite. Some partners want encouragement, and others like being put in their place by agreement. See praise kink.
• Restraint and impact. Some femdom includes rope, spanking or other parts of BDSM. Plenty doesn’t.
• Role reversal in bed. For some couples that includes pegging. Plenty of couples try that with no power play at all.

What is gentle femdom?

Gentle femdom, also called soft femdom, keeps the authority and leaves out the harshness. She’s warm, she’s sure of herself, and she’s still the one making the decisions. The mood is closer to affection than to punishment: “Good. Now sit down, I’ll take care of it.” It’s one of the most searched styles of femdom, and it’s the female counterpart of the soft dom.

People sometimes assume gentle means less serious. Most people who like it would disagree. It’s a calm kind of being in charge that doesn’t need any props.

Female-led relationships (FLR)

A female-led relationship, or FLR, is a relationship where the woman has the final say in some or all of daily life: money, decisions, the household, or the bedroom. Couples set it up at many levels, from “she makes the big decisions” to detailed rules. Some don’t think of it as a kink at all. They’re just happier that way.

A related phrase is a wife-led marriage. It means the same thing, for a married couple.

Why people are drawn to it

• Rest. Lots of men who enjoy being submissive have to make decisions all day. Not having to is a relief.
• Being seen. A partner who’s paying that much attention to you is hard to ignore.
• Trying on power. Lots of women enjoy being asked for what they want, and getting it. For some, taking charge of the bedroom is the first time they’ve really been asked.
• Humor. It’s often fun. Inventing a silly rule and enforcing it with a straight face can be a great way to spend an evening.

How couples try it

1. One of you has to say it. Usually it comes out badly, and that’s fine. “I’d like you to tell me what to do sometimes” is plenty.
2. Pick something small. She decides what happens for one evening, or sets one rule for a week. No equipment needed.
3. Let her enjoy it. It shouldn’t be a chore she’s doing for him. If she’s not interested, that’s an answer, and it’s worth hearing. Many women need to find out what they’d like to ask for first.
4. Agree how it stops. A word that ends it, used by either of you, with no questions asked.
5. Talk the next day. What was fun, what felt silly and what you’d like more of.

Common misunderstandings

• It isn’t about leather. That’s one look. Many femdom couples look like anyone else on your street.
• The man isn’t weak. He’s made a choice, and he can undo it. It takes some nerve to ask for this.
• She isn’t always like this. Most dominant women aren’t in charge of everything all the time, and the dynamic often stays in one part of life.
• It isn’t only women with men. Dominant women have partners of any gender.

Femdom in fiction

Femdom is easier to find in stories than in most bookstores. The best stories have a dominant woman with a real personality, and a partner with a reason for wanting her. We’ve written about what makes them work, along with three openings, in femdom stories. On metime you can ask for one in your own words, gentle or strict, and steer it at the end of every chapter.

Questions