What is swinging?

Swinging is when committed couples swap sexual partners with other couples, openly and by agreement. Swingers usually treat it as something they do together for fun, and they stay emotionally committed to each other. People who do it often call it “the lifestyle”.

It’s been around in its modern form since at least the 1950s and 60s, and it has its own clubs, events, websites and etiquette. Here’s what it involves, how it differs from other kinds of non-monogamy, and how couples generally get started.

How the swing lifestyle works

• Couples, mostly. The usual unit is a couple meeting another couple, though many events also welcome single women, and some welcome single men.
• Where they meet. Through private clubs, house parties, resorts, hotel takeovers and lifestyle websites.
• What happens. It may mean flirting and nothing more, or two couples in one room, or each pair going off separately. Nothing’s required just because you’re there.
• The etiquette. Ask first, and take no for an answer the first time. “No” doesn’t need a reason. Couples agree on a signal so they can leave at any time.

Soft swap, full swap and other terms

• Soft swap. Everything short of intercourse with the other person.
• Full swap. Everything, by agreement.
• Same room and separate rooms. Whether partners stay where they can see each other. Many couples start in the same room.
• The lifestyle. Swinging, as swingers say it. A pineapple is said to be a signal in some circles, though most swingers will tell you it’s mostly a joke these days.
• Unicorn. A single woman who joins a couple. See threesome stories.

How it differs from other non-monogamy

All of these fall under ethical non-monogamy: everyone knows, and everyone’s agreed.

How couples usually start

1. Talk, for longer than seems necessary. Does each of you actually want this, or is one of you going along? What are you afraid of?
2. Write down your rules. Same room or not, soft or full, what you’ll tell each other, and how either of you can call it off. Talk about sexual health and protection too.
3. Go and look. Many clubs let you just visit. There’s no obligation to do anything, and plenty of couples only watch and talk for their first few visits.
4. Agree on a signal, so either of you can say “we’re leaving” without explaining.
5. Talk afterward. Jealousy can show up late. Good couples treat it as something to talk about, not a failure.

It’s fine to try it and decide it’s not for you. It’s also fine if a fantasy stays a fantasy. Not everyone wants the real thing, which is one reason this is such a popular theme in fiction.

Swinging in stories

Swinging gives a writer a lot to work with: nerves, rules, four people with their own histories, and the drive home. Swinger stories has more on what makes them good, along with three openings. On metime you can ask for one in your own words and steer it chapter by chapter. Everyone is an adult, everyone knows, and everyone wants to be there.

Questions